This way to the information superhighway!

Yes bloggership, we are back!

BT turned left when the signs said right, and so Swiss (Mister and) Miss missed the entrance to the information superhighway for a brief period. The problem was not so complicated, as I will try to convey:

Imagine, if you will, a house with two physical phone lines running to it, two sets of distinct and individual wires... one set, we'll call it the "working line" or the "W-Line" for short, was used by our landlords and previous tenants, up to September 16. The second set, which we will call the "cut-off-and-left-dangling-from-the-utility-pole line," or the "COALDFTUP-Line" for short-ish, has not been used since the advent of the mobile phone. OK, is this clear? I hope so.

So, imagine next, a phone call between Swiss Mister and BT:
Swiss Mister: "Hi, is this BT?"
BT: "yes"
SM: "great. The missus and I have just moved into a new flat, and we want to get the BT landline reactivated."
BT: "ok. Did the previous tenant have a phone number? And what is your address?"
SM: "yes. It was 020 555 55 55. It worked until 5 days ago... (note reference to the concept of the W-Line). Top floor flat, Switzian Street, Londonia, Gross Bretagne".
BT: "Excellent. I can see it here. We will have that activated in 10 days for you."

Seems straightforward, right?

Next comes the moment where a different part of BT, the "Exchange", receives a work order which says "Please activate line for Top floor flat, Switzian Street, Londonia. Formerly 020 555 55 55." They look at their boards and see the W-Line and the COALDFTUP-Line. Which, fair reader, would you pick? Can you guess which one BT picked?

Email arrives from BT: "Good news! Your phone line has been activated! Your new number is 020 555 66 66. Here is our first invoice... please pay immediately."

Two weeks later, still no broadband, and much gnashing of teeth later, an intrepid O2 technical support agent asked: "Do you have a dial tone on your phone line?" I had to borrow a phone from the downstairs neighbours to find out... and the answer was yes... but when I dialed anything, I was advised to "please contact customer service to activate this line." Apparently, BT had not done their job... We phoned BT, and after over an hour of back and forth, "your line test is perfect, perhaps your phone is broken? No, we borrowed it from the neighbours, they use it every day... please open the master socket and look inside... if the engineer comes but the problem is in our house, we will charge you 120 pounds.... what the hell is a master socket?.... most people take a day off work to let the engineer into the house.... are you a total jackass? .... we paid our bills; don't suggest that we are deadbeats, this is your problem, not ours.... I have no idea what you are saying, and no more patience for your garbage, please talk to my husband... as I've been trying to explain to your wife for over an hour.... watch it, buddy.... yes sir, the engineer can come on Saturday morning...." we found ourselves with an appointment with an engineer between 8am and 1pm today.

Next day, an email from our landlords in Australia diagnosed the problem: "You have two lines running to the property, a W-Line and a COALDFTUP-Line. I fear they have connected the COALDFTUP-Line at the Exchange. That line doesn't make it to the house. It is cut off at the pole." Hence the name, I suppose. So, I called BT back: "please hold, your call is important to us." I called back later:

BT: "yes indeed, it looks like the Exchange connected the COALDFTUP-Line. That would explain the problem."
SM: "great, so you can just fix it then."
BT: "when the engineer comes on Saturday, he will see the problem and then fix it."
SM: "but you created this problem without ever leaving the office. Why do you need to come to my house and bother me on a Saturday morning to fix it?"
BT: "only the engineer can fix problems."
SM: "but the Exchange can create them?"
BT: "we don't know who created the problem."
SM: "yes we do, you just said the Exchange activated the wrong line."
BT: "sorry sir, I do not make the policies. They are made by the very high up people."

(indeed)

SM: "you realise you are wasting your time and mine, and your money and mine?"
BT: "the engineer will fix the problem."
SM: "this is incredibly stupid. Can you please make a note in the file so the engineer at least knows what the problem is?"
BT: "yes. I will make the note now...." pause.....
SM: "thank you."
BT: "Thank you sir. I have made a note that the customer is very frustrated and not satisfied...."
SM: interrupts "aaggghhhhh. The note is to fix the problem, not say how frustrated I am by your stupidity!"

- click -

So, to conclude a long story, the engineer arrived this morning, I explained the problem to him, he wired the COALDFTUP-Line to the house in about 15 minutes, drank 2 lattees with us, and we chatted about Switzerland, Canada, and the UK deficit-slashing budget for half an hour. And yes, if the Exchange had simply flipped the switch on the W-Line to begin with, none of this would have happened. Any you, dear reader, would not have had to suffer through such an annoying replay of such an annoying bureaucratic mess.

The sun is shining. It's time to go outside and play.